I don't know why it seems so difficult to let go of my fertility. I know in my mind and heart that I am done having children. I am in my mid 30's, with a child in college, one graduating from high school, and the youngest in the first grade. I am a fulltime nurse and student. I simply do not have the time or energy to expend on another pregnancy and subsequent infant/toddler.
So, why so sad to let go of my fertility, voluntarily at that? The end of a stage in my life, I suppose. I have either been giving birth or raising children from all ages from the time I was 15 until now. More than half of my life has been dedicated to pregnancy and parenting (my own, that is).
I am ready to see my children grow up and leave the home Yes, I admit, I do look forward to the day when they are ALL out of the house! I cannot wait to not have to worry about who is watching the youngest, or where everyone is and if they're safe. Ok, I guess as a parent you never really stop worrying about that. Even when they're off at college.......scratch that, most especially when they're off at college.
I'm ready to help women start their own families - pre-conception, pregnancy, labor, birth, postpartum.
I'm ready to be able to travel with my partner and not worry about childcare issues at home.
But yet, I wonder........am I really ready to be done? I know the rational reasons to not have more children.
1. I suck at pregnancy. I'm miserable, constantly nauseated, and I cannot get enough sleep.
2. Might I mention school and lack of sleep doesn't bode well?
3. School, breastfeeding a new baby, work, pumping, going back to work. I hated this combo when I went back to work last time - and I didn't have school involved! I would have rather been a stay at home mom while breastfeeding.
4. I hate toilet training. Need I say more?
5. Another kiddo in the house for 18+/- years? Really? Am I nuts?
Saying goodbye to your fertility: it's not easy to let go. I think of cuddling a newborn, that oh-so-yummy smell, meeting and learning the personality of a new little person, seeing them grow up.
::sigh::
I'm scheduled to have a bilateral tubal ligation this Friday.
Bye bye fertility. I shall miss you.
