I struck up a conversation with several women (mothers) at the pool this week. One in particular is going to have a home birth with her 2nd baby (due in the next few weeks). It's so amazing to hear how different and vast women's birth stories can be. One woman had an emergency c-section, then a planned repeat c-section, and was very happy with how her second birth was -- almost like checking into a doctor's appointment. Yet another woman had all five of her babies induced (all vaginal births). Some births were easy, some births were long and drawn out. Some pushed for hours, others pushed for just minutes.
But it all comes down to this: birth is SO important in a woman's life. We (women) are affected by our birth experiences, even 20, 30, 40 years later in our lives. It changes who we are - sometimes minimally, other times very profoundly.
We all need validation for our birth experiences. We all want to talk about our births, and share our stories.
Have you told your birth stories lately? How were your birth experiences received by others? Were you happy/disappointed/surprised by your births?
What can we (women, health care professionals, etc) do to help validate a woman's feelings and memories surrounding her birth experiences?
14 comments:
I think whatever your story is, that it's yours, and no matter what, it belongs to you.
You can do whatever you like with it. And to Hades with those who think it's alright to judge you.
Sure, I could have delivered naturally, had I actually dilated and my child didn't have a cord wrapped around him multiple times but I did not. I was very clear with my OB that I wanted to live AND have a healthy child, and if there was any risk that both of those objectives would not be met, that he was to take the emergent route.
Everyone's story is different, and having known horrible ones from my mother, I'm just happy, happy, happy I had a successful one for both me and my son. I did not want to leave my husband shell shocked by the experience like my father was.
Bad birth experiences hurt men, too.
I would say: "Ask." I had an incredible midwife for my first 2 kids then moved out of state. The first labor and delivery was traumatic, 43 hours long, induced, and my 11 lb. 5 oz baby came out after ripping me to smitherines and having Shoulder dystocia...I am sure you can imagine...
The second I was having Post traumatic Stress syndrome from the previous experience the entire pregnancy. I couldn't sleep, etc...
So now, with my third, we have moved states and I am seeing an OB that some people recommended. All the visits have been short and she hasn't asked anything about my previous birth experiences. I wish she would ask, because I feel like I have a lot to say. Maybe she will towards the end. I am only 20 weeks along.
So. I think asking how previous births went would be a big way to be supportive and help problem solve with the patient. I know I would feel more validated.
P.S. My second came flying out despite having her hand up next to her head. Her brother paved the way apparently! :o)
I was traumatized by my birth experience. When my OB asked if I have PPD, I said it was more like PTSD. She laughed! It was asking for validation of the experience and help with coping with almost dying! I did share it at a blood bank thank you dinner (I needed several transfusions after the birth). I have worked hard to make a negative into a "positive" experience.
I second the advice of "ask." My first birth was traumatic to me and not at all what I expected. When I told the midwife about it during pregnancy #2, she listened, and then simply said, "I know we can do better." That gave me a much needed boost of confidence.
I wish my midwives had listened to my birth story (first birth was natural vaginal, but I had traumatic tearing that required surgery 10 months later). I chose a midwife practice for baby #2 specifically because I hoped for better, but I was disappointed in their lack of interest in hearing my story at all. No one ever asked and I felt dismissed when I expressed concern about tearing again or aggravating the repairs. Baby #2 wound up as a c-section because of significant heart decels with slow recoveries, and I'm grateful for the midwife who stuck with me in the hospital until she and the ob made the c-section call. So I'm not unhappy with how birth #2 ended up ( and was surprised at how smooth the c-section was!). But I do wish that they had listened or cared about my previous experience because it would have eased my anxiety a great deal in the months leading up to the big day.
I should also mention that my midwife practice required us to rotate and see a different person for each visit. Sometimes I'd see the same person, but there was no guarantee. This sounded good at the time (because delivery would be with whichever midwife was on call on the day of birth), but in retrospect, I would have much preferred developing a relationship with one midwife, even if she wasn't available for delivery. I think the day of birth is so different than the many visits that precede it, and honestly, I barely noticed the people around me when I was contracting, breathing, and working on listening to my body in the birth process.
I do tell my stories to other women, though, and have found that every woman enjoys telling and hearing their stories!
Sorry for the long comment. But this is still a sore topic for me, and baby #2 is almost two years old. Thanks for always writing such thoughtful posts. I'm a longtime reader and very occasional commenter.
"Bad birth experiences hurt men, too."
Thank you for saying this! I totally agree that bad birth experiences can hurt men, too. I'm a big advocate for Dads, how they're feeling throughout the pregnancy and delivery and how to help them more effectively affirm and support their wives. These stories shared here are helpful for me - an aspiring CNM. Most women do want to share their birth stories, but those who have had traumatic births NEED to share their stories and those of us listening need to take note. I had some very bad birth experiences, one after the other, despite doing everything I could to change the prior process, place, and provider. I learned so much and want to apply what I've learned to my future career.
I so agree with all the previous comments. I really haven't been one to wait for someone to ask. I feel like it's practically all I talk about. Some of you are already familiar with my stories, because I have reached out in a way, by leaving comments at this and various other blogs. But, I felt a little uncomfortable about doing that, too. Like I was invading people's space that is devoted to their life to get some sort of affirmation for my self. I really appreciate everyone who has put up with me! lol I started my own blog, spur of the moment, the other day. I did not intend to start spilling my birth stories all over it, but it just seems to be the right thing to do and the right place to do it. I have 8 stories to tell. Unfortunately, half of them end in miscarriage. Two end with a significant hemorrhage. As I face the unknown with pregnancy #9, I am finding a lot of strength and healing by writing my previous experiences and remembering the blessings that got me through it. You can click on my picture to check it out. Thank you for asking the right questions, AYC. -M-
I'm asked about my birth stories all the time because I was the first of my friends to have kids, so I'm the go-to for everything pregnancy/miscarriage/birth/breastfeeding/kids. I was lucky enough to have 2 good labours and deliveries in a hospital with wonderful CNMs despite some minor complications, and am looking forward to the 3rd. I think it's good, because it helps to set their minds at ease and seems to reduce some of their stress.
Mary H - it takes a lot of courage to put it all "out there" and to share with the world, your birth experiences. I'm so very sorry for your losses. Thank you for leaving such a heartfelt comment too. ((hugs))
I wish it was possible for people to understand how abusive, traumatic and devastating a botched home birth can be. I had three home births, and all of them were awful. I used to think that it was something I did wrong but now I know that it was the combination of bad luck and bad midwifery care. I finally got a decent birth experience, but it was an in hospital induction and it was far gentler, more woman centered and lovely than what I experienced with abusive midwifery care. I had bad luck with the midwives I chose, but bad midwives are out there and often they look like they're awesome.
Yes, ask and listen, and unless the woman says she doesn't want you to ask, keep asking. Some things a woman might not be ready to talk about at 6 weeks pp, she might want to talk about 6m later.
I think some of the questions I would have like to hear were: how are you feeling about the whole experience? Do you have any questions about what happened? Do you think there is anything we could have done to improve your experience?
I don't often talk about my birth because I think some people are legitimately freaked out by scary birth stories, and many more people think that women who share scary birth stories are self-centered or fearmongers.
I wrote about it here: http://chronicladybug.blogspot.com/2012/06/telling-scary-stories-about-childbirth.html
I love this. Recognizing how different birth is for every mom is so important, and supporting each other rather than judging. You have some wonderful readers :)
If only everyone could be this open and accepting! Every woman is entitled to decide to deliver in whatever environment or way she chooses. And it is our responsibility to accept that. Home birth, scheduled cesarean, at the local pool :) Each and every one is a story that is their own personal story and it should be respected.
I don't talk about mine much anymore. I am too 'crunchy' for the mainstream and too 'medical' for the natural/attachment parenting types so I tend to find myself apologizing no matter who I am talking to. And people also get hung up on on the number of babies I have had and don't hear much after that.
The one thing I can emphatically stand up and say there is no one right way to birth. If a woman is happy with her experience why does anyone have a right to tell her another was way better, she should be upset. As for me, I listen to what women say, if they are happy I am happy for them even if that experience wouldn't be *my* cup of tea but hey, it isn't my birth and my baby is it? If she is unhappy, unsure, still processing I am more than happy to be a listening ear and sounding board and maybe even give her a little advice to steer her towards resources that may be a better fit for next time, if she is interested.
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