I don't want to lose that emotional bond that I feel with my clients. I admit, I don't feel that connection with each and every one of them, because there are literally too many. I see how midwives can get burned out, and I haven't even finished my clinicals yet.
I don't want to be a cold, clinical type of midwife either. That is just not me.
How to find the right balance?? I'm still working on that.
Right now, a close person on my life is having a cesarean section. It's not the end of the world, I tell myself. She agreed to have the cesarean section. Do I think it's right? Is it my place to tell her how I really feel about it right now? Absolutely NOT. This is her time to shine. She's going to be a mom! But at the same time, I know there were other options available, although they may or may not be directly available to her. My role is to be supportive. To love her, to love the new baby, to be happy and joyful for her and her growing family. I have to come to terms with my own feelings (NOT sharing them with her, that would totally distract from her moment of becoming a new mother), and find a way to just let them..........go.
A woman is given information, choices, education of the options........then it is my role to support her decision. End of story.
But who midwife's the midwife?
11 comments:
Other midwives? I know my midwife wanted to be there for my birth. We were both excited, I was sure I'd be able to make it through the weekend. She had been on call but her mother, who previously was sitting for her pulled out. Her hubby was out of town, and she had to be off call. She assured me that if I had the baby on Sunday, she'd be in. I labored Saturday night. She told the midwife covering about me, and that she could call if it was me. Her hubby came back early enough she could actually watch the game with him she'd been wanting to. The covering midwife said, "go have fun, and NO I will NOT call you." I was disappointed my midwife was not there when I arrived after midnight on Snday morning, but in the end, it was for the best. My midwife deserves to have time with her hubby. She was shocked as we both thought I might make it through, and she even apologized for missing the birth. But I had a good expierience with her awesome covering midwife, and my husband even said she had been awesome. I am glad to have met another midwife, someone else I now feel safe with in birth. I am so happy they cover for each other, and support each other.
Blessings!
Dawn
Regarding developing a bond between midwife and patient - I as a patient really feel like I have bonded with my midwife. She has been awesome, delivered one baby and has cried with me through the loss of another baby. Is it ever appropriate to develop the relationship more outside of midwife, patient? I feel like we could actually be good friends. How does that happen?
Anonymous - this is a tricky situation. You have developed this wonderful relationship with your midwife. However, it's a professional type of relationship (albeit, during the most intimate times of your life). I honestly don't feel that it would be appropriate to change the dynamics of the relationship from a professional one, to a more personal friendship type of relationship. Believe it or not, a midwife-client relationship is not an equal one. The midwife is very giving, and supportive of you and your happiness and grief, while not expecting the same in return. That is the very nature of a professional relationship between the midwife and client. It is also a different power type of relationship. The division of power is not equal in a professional relationship. A friendship is an equal division of power - and both of you get similar things/outcomes out of a friendship relationship vs a professional relationship.
This is also why I do not form friendships with former patients. I once had a "power over" type of professional relationship with her, during her birth. (This is not to mean or imply any type of negative 'power' issues in a relationship.) I provided professional nursing services to her, cared for her during labor, birth and postpartum, and it is an unequal type of relationship. She gains my emotional and physical support during labor and birth, while I am not seeking the same back from her if I were to labor and birth.
Do you understand what I'm trying to say? It's a much different type of relationship, being the midwife-client, versus being friend-friend.
Now, if I had a close friend that came to me to be her midwife, that would also be a tricky situation. While I am a friend to her BEFORE I was her midwife, we now have changed relationship dynamics. I have to put aside my personal feelings for her while caring for her as the midwife. I cannot let my emotions and personal friendship with her overrule my ability to treat her as I would treat any other client, medically and personally speaking, during her pregnancy, labor and birth.
I don't think it's an either/or situation. Having a healthy detachment does not mean being "cold". As they taught us in nursing school "empathy, not sympathy". You WILL burn out if you are too involved emotionally with your patients. Further, you will not be able to be objective regarding possibly unpleasant choices that will need to be made, and which your patient is looking to you to support her in choosing. It is important to prioritize goals -- and choose your goals well. It's fine to aspire to beautiful birth "experiences" but when the subjective quality of that experience conflicts with the obvious #1 priority of having a healthy mother and baby, it really is "no contest". In my experience, when the mother really feels that you put that in the forefront, she gains security from you and ultimately this is of immense benefit to everyone. "She cares" is not necessarily the same as "she does everything the way *I* want it".
Very good question, by the way!
I had a wonderful experience and was delivered by the same midwife all three times, by the way I am also trained as a midwife here in the UK, but then went to Med school and now a GP
As a lay person, I squirm on the inside when I hear about friends and acquaintances having c-sections. It's not that I'm anti-surgery all together, it's just a lot of local hospitals are notorious for the "home in time for dinner" c-sections and I can't help but wonder if the mother was coerced or if she had the proper support. I don't have anyone I can talk to about it that understands where I'm coming from because most people I know think there is nothing wrong with them. They're great when they are necessary, but there needs to be more education about the risks and indications for c-sections.
I have "friended" my midwives on facebook. I'm seeing one is very professional with me, and rarely has much more showing to me than a few family photos and maybe a comment about a favorite ball team. The other midwife posts all sorts of personal updates with links to her own journal. She also has shared political beliefs, and when I complained about a local paper, learned her husband is an editor there. That makes for a sticky situation to me. If I ever birth again, it gives me pause to think she's actually seen some of my political beliefs that are very different than hers as well as knowing she might think I am ignorant about things. It's not something I thouht about until she has made comments on my page when I make statements to contradict me publically. I am okay with the challenge, but will it change the relationship if I were to go to her regularly and when planning to birth?
I live in a very conservative, Bible-belt part of East Texas (is there any other part of East Texas? Actually, no, lol.) and this kind of thing goes on all the time. Scheduled inductions, c-secs, etc. Makes me a little crazy. Epidural isn't a choice, it's a given. I wasn't even allowed to film my grandson's birth. Aggravating. It's hard to keep our mouths shut sometimes when we feel so strongly about this. Great job on pursuing your CNM! I finally just went back to get my RN at age 45 so I think it's great you're doing this. Just finished my OB rotation and loved it but I'm an ER girl at heart. I'm a huge proponent of minimal intervention births though. I self-studied midwifery for years. It's all such a miracle by itself. Good luck!
In my last semester of school as a nurse midwife, I was very much emotionally connected to some of my clients and just the work we do in general. I took lots of walks and spent a lot of time reflecting on my new role. My preceptor was great, but also tough. I felt she was in tune with my emotions, but to the point sometimes that I didn't want her to see my fleeting moments of agitation and frustration with certain things. I felt to open and exposed. I remember my last day of clinicals before graduation. I literally cried and cried and cried. It was a moment to let go and finally loosen up. My guess is you are at the heart of your work and it is intense. It may take you some time after this to return to a normal state where you aren't constantly thinking you should be studying, reading, or checking your email for updates...or scrambling to clean your house because your not sure when you will have time to again. You are almost done sister. Blessings
I get in trouble when I ask questions, meant to either enlighten/educate me, or to find out how much information that person was truely given. How do you know this person was REALLY given the choices, the options, etc? What happens if it ever comes up and she says "I didn't know that, why didn't you tell me?"....how do you manage to not be an educator when you think the person might need some educating?
Post a Comment