Have you ever felt like you just don't "fit in"? Yeah, that's me.
I left a farewell party just after dinner last night, for one of my co-workers who is leaving the state. I never really got to know her that well, but she is such a sweetheart, from the time I have known her.
Then again - that's how I seem to operate: I never get that close to people. I don't know why. I never seem to feel like I "fit in" to any particular group, nor do I feel that overwhelmingly "close" to any one particular person.
Like I was saying, I left after dinner. The rest of the very large group of co-workers went on to a bar to continue with the farewell party. I just didn't have it in me to go with them. Part of it: I didn't want to drink anymore than the one drink I had at dinner. Me and alcohol = don't mix well. I get very nauseated, hypoglycemic, and generally feel like crap. Although, it does taste good going down! But to go to a bar, where you're almost expected to drink.......perhaps I'm just growing up more?
I would have liked to have let my hair down, dance, gossip, bond more with the girls I work with, but I just didn't do it.
To put it simply: I feel like I don't fit in with any of them. How sad is that?
I also have fought "the black dog" for over 15 years. You do know what I'm talking about, right? Depression. It's a rather ugly dog. And I really like dogs! Real dogs, that is. Depression just plain old sucks. I've been on an anti-depressant for many, many years, at various dosages. I truly cannot function without being on medication. I definitely go through ups and downs while on the medication and this definitely feels like a down time. The endless rain outside doesn't help my feeling so down.
Back to work tonight. At least I can put on my happy persona for the families I care for at work. I genuinely feel happy for them. That's the one "up" I have in my life.
Bleh.
20 comments:
Yeah, I know. I really do.It sucks.What gets me through is knowing the troughs are temporary.
Yet I was reading a couple of days ago about the connection between depression and creativity --- a high price to pay, maybe, but it's probably not a coincidence that you write so well too.
About the drinking: any situation where grown ups make other people feel like they have to drink is worthy of avoiding. I mean, we're not in college anymore. So yes, I'd say you are "growing up." :P You finally reach a stage where that kind of stuff doesn't appeal to you, I'd say you have better things to think about. If one drink was enough for you, then hey - that's fine! Besides, let them have the nasty after effects to deal with! ;)
I don't know much about living with depression, but I have recently talked with a friend diagnosed as Bipolar who is on meds. She gave me some insight as far as dealing with it and depression and how much we change as women - as we age, with hormones, etc. and that sometimes meds need to be adjusted, etc. as we change, too. I'm sure you know this, though, being a nurse. But maybe you're finding that whatever you've been on just isn't doing it for you anymore...perhaps you need a change?
I am sure your line of work doesn't help much in that regard, though. Are you in therapy? Can you talk to someone? I know how you shoulder a lot of burdens when things happen (like in your last posts) that probably bug the hell out of you and you can't get it out (because of confidentiality, etc). You are such a wonderful nurse...but even nurses need someone to take care of them, too. :)
(((((hugs)))) Keep writing ... it is probably a wonderful outlet for you, I'm sure.
The drugs are really a miracle, but if you haven't done extensive talk therapy I really encourage you to DO IT. Look for someone who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. You have to really be willing to work hard, it is grueling and difficult but extremely rewarding. The evidence is there that we have the capability to rewire our brains away from the thought patterns that keep us depressed. Also I highly, highly recommend the book "Undoing Depression" by Richard O'Connor. I lived as a depressed person for ten years (it's not a real life) and was eventually hospitalized, that was five years ago and I consider myself to be completely recovered. I am no longer on any drugs (I hated the way they made me feel (physically), and I tried them ALL, so I was really motivated to not need them and get off them). PLEASE explore more treatment options if you are still struggling. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT.
I can completely understand where you are coming from. In fact, I could have probably written that post myself, word for word. I feel exactly the same way about “fitting in” It’s really tough to feel like that. You sit there watching everyone around you getting along, bonding, laughing and having a good time, while you feel like you are stuck on the sidelines. ( and to be honest, I feel like that sometimes in the blog world too) That, in itself, can make one feel depressed.
I agree with a previous commenter. Maybe, if you aren’t/haven’t already, it would be a good idea to talk to someone? It’s tough to go through life being surrounded by so many people but feeling so alone.
(((HUGS))) I hope you start feeling up soon. I know we are strangers and only just “met” but if you ever need to talk, I am here.
I hear good things about cognitive behavioral therapy. Yes, mental illness is a big price to pay for creativity. I think you and I have been separated at birth. Yes, the rain does not help. Stringing beads together helps me.
Pinky - you have your beads. I have writing, and I also like to paint and sketch. Perhaps I should do put more into my creative outlets.
I did the cognitive therapy for years - it actually helped me a lot. I was able to gain enough esteem to enroll in college, graduate from nursing school and leave an abusive marriage! Perhaps I should contact my therapist again......
Sending you hugs!!
AYC
I love the honesty and introspection of your post. Good energy is being sent from our house to yours.
Instead of beating yourself up,look at the good side. You WENT to the dinner to support a coworker, you said your hellos and ate a meal, had a meal, and bugged out. All good stuff. If you don't want to drink more than one, good for you for holding firm.
From an outgoing person, all of your actions to me are exemplary. I think sometimes we put so much pressure to be something different than what we inherently are that this type of thinking happens.
I hope this finds you well. And, from someone who thoroughly enjoys your writing, you better not EVER give up your writing for beads! Ever! LOL
Jim
I can relate. Many years of PPD, PTSD etc. Some better than others, but life keeps on keeping on. I have days like yours, for me it really feels like I am standing outside, looking at life from the other side of a frosted window. I can say those moments are farther apart now. But they are there.
I can also relate to co-workers are just that, co-workers, no more. I have been at the same job for 3+ years, and when I went out on maternity, not a single co-worker even called. But I have one or two close friends, and I hold the close. Everyone else is just an aquaintance.
Take care, and keep writing, it does help :)
I have fought with depression most of my life, been on and off meds (I really hate meds) and never felt like I fit in anywhere. Your post reads a lot like my thought patterns used to before another episode. However, I have been off meds for 3 years now and work every day to stay up and stable.
I just wanted to say I think you made a mistake in choosing not to go. Most people who are associated through work/school/etc. do not do things together because they 'fit in', they 'fit in' because they do things together. The people who went to the bar could come back with stories that will be told around the office for weeks. Also, there is no need at all to drink alcohol at a bar and plenty of tasty non-alcohol options.
It is good you went to the dinner. Serious kudos for that because it is hard to try to be festive when you are mired in the black pit of depression. But, next time consider taking that risk of 'not fitting in' and try doing something with the group. What's the best thing that could happen?
I am so sorry you have to fight this depression. Your patients are so lucky to have you and I hope maybe some of the suggestions here can help you find a way that your happy persona is not just something you put on at work.
Honestly, I could have written this post myself. Know you're not alone. Hugs to you.
Oh boy. We have lots in common. I've been in WA St for 20 years and still don't fit in. I began life on the East Coast and then lived in MI before my parents dragged me to So Cal at 16. Hated it. But I still fit in enough. Up here I don't. I did not fit in well in nursing school~the words I used were 3-4 syllables and folks think I'm being a show off, ummmmm no I've been reading for 44 years.
I know the black hole as well. It's very hard to not sink into it since I can't find a job.
HUGS and empathy!
I think this is true of all the social work professions. When you deal with those down and out, ill, when your work so important, you cannot help but give your all.
I, too, fought thepowersthatbe, and ended up in depression due to normal life circumstances. My students with ill-health, dealing with bereavement issues, divorce, those in foster care who popped in for two months, only to be sent to a new foster home, kids who lived in poverty, and kids desperate to meet birth parents. It is a heavy burden.
You are right, a listening ear is the best thing. I faced antagonism and angry bosses who demanded I do more, more, more.
Take care.
I feel you, I've been there my whole life, since freakin' preschool.
As far as fitting in, though, I'm not sure I'd put TOO much stock in that. I mean, sometimes yes, it can be uncomfortable, but I have decided in many situations that I am not going to give a sh!t when it comes to certain things. The minute I open my mouth about birth? Yeah, I see invisible walls going up and people calling me a nutjob behind my back. Too friggin' bad. :P Some people are better left *not* to fit in with, believe me.
My husband has worked at the same job for 10 years now, and very few people do we fit in with. Many of them do not share our political, religious or any other philosophy, for that matter, and have not really grown up all that much. Even his older colleagues - people who are in their 50s and 60s. When you stop trying to fit that mold or stuff a square peg in a round hole, you might find you feel a little bit better about it. At least here, we know who our friends are, and more importantly, who they *aren't.* :)
You have just described what I find SO difficult to put in to words to people. You've made me realise I CAN do it with depression. I am always doubting I will be able to become a midwife with this hovering over me x
I am sorry (hugs). That really sucks. We could be boat buddies. I don't feel like I fit in much, either at work. I am prn, so I feel like that outcasts me. I will pray for you, Hon! Chin Up!
Not that I'm glad you have depression, but I am glad to hear more people admitting it and talking about the problems. I've suffered from that "black dog" my entire life --- 53 years. Thank heavens medication helps, add in a few good counselors over the years and an awesome doctor who works to control my arthritis pain, and I can *usually* get by. Still there are those crashes... And now that I think about it, I have always had a creative side and have always done various craft and art projects --- now I'm into quilting.
"Promise me you'll always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
Hey there: I was an L&D RN for 15 yrs...depressed most of my life ( I am now 55) and felt i didn't fit in whereever i worked. I also am "artsy" type and not only paint but write music and play guitar.
I did the medication thing for a while, and didn't find it worked for me. I did find that throwing myself into work did help...so don't listen to anyone who thinks nursing makes one depressed. Nursing was my saving grace. Helping others really gets the spirit up. As for socializing with colleagues...I was never one for that...I have my few friends outside of work plus my family ( i was single until 50 so no kids) and animals...but I have found since reaching menopause...I am doing fine. None of the LOWS that I had before. Life is pretty even keel and I am enjoying it!!! FINALLY!
So, hopefully u will find your "even keel" whatever it is....and if it comes late...just contribute to society...because that is proven to decrease depression..... Good luck to you...
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